|Title: It's incredible just how brainwashed we really were|
|Revival_Centres_Discussion_Forums > Reviving from Revival > Introductions and Stories||Go to subcategory：|
|light and dark|
Date Posted：26/02/2007 6:00 PMCopy HTML
Hi so I have been refered to this sight by my sister and have become quite addicted to reading everyones stories so I guess I might as well share mine. It is hard to know just how many areas of my life have been affected by growing up in the RC / RF. I left around 10 years ago - so I was 17 / 18 when I walked out and I still feel sadness that so much of my life was spent growing up with people who would not speak to me after I 'backslid'.
I was married at 18 and as such have grown up with my husband who lives daily with the reprocussions of my abuse. He married me because it was the only way we could have any sort of relationship as he was an "outsider" and I had no idea that it was ok to date etc without marriage. I was always a silent rebel. I had friends outside of the church, drank at parties, snuck out at night to play with my friends, put myself in VERY dangerous positions because I wanted to feel normal and had to sneak around and hide it. Yet through it all I BELIEVED!!!
It is incredible just how brainwashed we really were. And just how cruel and vindictive many of the people were. I was the one who misbehaved - I snuck out, drank, took drugs and fornicated. But I FIT IN so I was never labeled a trouble maker - the pastors kids liked me and I knew how to give the appropriate responses and that was all that mattered.
My sister on the other hand was gentle and broken. She didn't rebel until others forced her too. The pastors kids did not like her and she didn't dress like everyone else. She was branded an outcast and a slut and false rumors were spread - all the while everything they said about her was true about me. Those bastards really hurt her in an obvious way - I was destroyed in far more subtle ways which I have discovered as an adult. My mother was very ill. She almost died more times than I care to remember - but because she was continuously sick she was branded a secret sinner and not to be trusted. My dad, already with a crazy, dominant, violent personality was encouraged to see that everything was her fault - something he still holds to today even after leaving the RC / RF. I slowly lost all faith in the RC / RF as I saw the way my mother and sister were victimised for no other reason than they didn't just fit in.
I also (good little member that I was) brought a number of my friends along to church services and was disgusted to see how some of them were treated. The ones who seemed to just be able to fit in (good looking, personable, modestly dressed etc) were treated really well, and the ones who were a little out there were shunned. I began to wonder how they could turn away the ones so obviously in need of love and salvation. I also wondered why, when I was such a trouble maker everyone treated me well and otheres who were just going about living so badly - I was kicked out of sunday school in year 5 or 6 because I pointed out that the Greeks were smart enough to know the difference between grape juice and wine lol.
After leaving the RC / RF and suddenly finding myself a married woman at 18 I did not know how or why I fitted in the world and took A LOT OF DRUGS!!! I would try to go to my parents new church (they left with my sister and I) and cry at the alter for forgiveness / understanding etc. But I did not know how to live as a non RC / RF christian. My poor husband has had to walk a long journey with me to find myself.
It has not been easy and I can say that he saved me from a life I cannot even imagine. I have often dreamed of what my life would be like if I hadn't left the Revival Centres or if my parents had never joined. I choose to believe that the love I had for God and the love I felt from him as a child was the one true thing that came out of that horrible place. However it has taken me 10 years to find a church that I can call home. It is really hard every week to bring up the courage to go to church - the idea of entering the building hurts me.
I would not have re-found God if my best friend (who often attended services with me because she loves me - even though she told me they were all crazy), hadn't been saved in a "normal" christian church. So I am now a baby discovering a love of God again that I hope is coming from a healthy place. So many things about deciding to be a christian scare and hurt me. When ever anyone says words like "let's pray" or "evangalism" I die a little inside - I as a primary school kid often went door knocking etc - how dangerous is that, there are so many Fucked up people in the world anything could of happend to us - anyway I digress.
The point is I am now reading my bible with a fresh perspective, trying to work out for myself what I believe and how I can follow christ in a healthy fashion. This forum is interesting - I don't quite know how I feel about it but I am glad that I can talk about my past and not have people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I grew up in a cult - which I do quite regularly!! Light and dark
For you were once darkness,
Now you are the light in the LORD
Live as Children of Light.