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MissIndependant
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Date Posted:09/04/2008 8:52 AMCopy HTML

I have found this forum for the first time only at 12am last night.  I sat here and read for three hours and struggled to bed after trying to force my very sore eyes to stay open.   Then as soon as I woke up I began thinking of my own story and started writing it in my head.  I have now spent half the day reading more stories on here.  Some of which have saddened me, shocked me and angered me.  I can't believe the extent of the pain so many people have had to endure and it breaks my heart.

My mind is now consumed with thoughts of the RCI days, personal memories, scriptures, forum posts etc etc.  It is all so very amazing and I'm quite anxious in my stomach because even though I was 'kicked out' of the RCI nearly 14 yrs ago as a young adult, the effects of it still remain today and I know that although a lot of healing has already taken place, this forum has stirred something up deep inside me.  I think I've managed to push aside a lot of things over the years.  One reason being because I thought I was strange to be so hurt and reprimanded myself that it is stupid to dwell on things and one should just 'get over it!'.  I've tried brushing things aside in order to try and make the most of my life but all along carrying the devastating scars and the burden of a very dark secret (which I am not quite ready to disclose on here).  I do however feel this urgency inside me to share my story and I don't really know exactly why. 

I have always had an inner desire to one day to be able to help others (particularly young girls/women) with my experiences but haven't publically shared in order to also protect people I love that may be hurt or shocked by the truth.  I know I am not a totally restored person myself and need to undergo more healing and growth in my own life, but maybe out of the hurts one has suffered, there is the possibility to help another.   I also think that just by having the common bond of being ex- Revivalists gives us the ability to understand and care about each other and give mutual support like others in the 'real' world just simply can't give.  No one can understand the impact that the RCI has on a person so it's always hard to totally open up to non-revivalists without them thinking you're weird or simply palming it off as not such a big deal.   It will be nice to have a place in this small, yet heartfelt forum family.

So hello there everyone and I look forward to meeting you online!
cruel twist Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #1
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:09/04/2008 11:33 AMCopy HTML

"Try not to burn the toast"
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #2
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:09/04/2008 11:52 AMCopy HTML

Thanks for welcoming me... I won't disclose my location.  No offense intended to anyone.
Glad-to be out Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #3
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:09/04/2008 11:54 PMCopy HTML

I would also like to welcome you to the Forum MissIndependant. I am ex GRC.

Our shared experiences bind us more closely than anyone "in the world" could possibly imagine and how deeply scarred we remain today, depends on how long we were in each of our destructive sects / cults and the degree of abuse (no matter what form it took ) we were subjected to.

Your experience and knowledge helps every new person who comes to view the Forum, realise that they are not alone, when they try to find a reason for their grief and confusion.

For the people who have been using the Forum for some time, the fact that you found it and have been moved to share your story  with us is encouraging.

You ARE one of us and you are indeed welcome and we look forward to hearing much more from you. 

Cheers,
Glad
"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #4
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 12:35 AMCopy HTML

Thanks Glad...

I just wish I had known about this forum, years ago.  In so many ways I feel like I've been alone in my hurts and experiences and so have chosen to push them aside.  I was in the RCI since I was 6 mths old when my mum got born again, so when I was kicked out I had absolutely nothing!  My whole life till the age of 19/20 was consumed by the fellowship.  There was no life beyond it.  I was always a bit of an outsider at school because I wasn't allowed to have close friends who weren't in the church because they were bad ppl and would ultimately pull me away from God.  Just about every memory, every friend and every belief I had and even who I was as a person was the RCI.  When I was forced to leave the fellowship my whole world crumbled.  It was aweful!   It is the most 'alone' place to be and as I thought God hated me and didn't want me anymore, then I turned to the world and my life went down hill in a major way.  I've suffered for years with Rejection issues since that and only probably in the last two years have managed to overcome in that area.  I've even had to find out who I am, what do I believe and not just who I was told to be and what I was told to believe.  Many of my decisions and thought processes years after leaving RCI still were based on their teachings.  It was part of who I was. 

I've got to stop now because I'm getting really emotional.  Oh this is so weird.  Obviously there is still alot of hurt inside.  I just keep crying.  Not in self pitty but for the whole evilness of it all and how so many ppl have been hurt.  I'm an extremely empathetic person so I feel things deeply.  I think the biggest reality I'm getting whilst reading all of the stories on here is that I was actually in a cult.  It's not the first time I've heard that but I've always just down played it in my mind and seen it that I was in a bad church under an idiot leader on a power trip and I was just one of the more unlucky ones.  Far out... A CULT!!!!  I learnt about them at Bible College 12 yrs ago and there was a mention of the RCI even then, but it's only reading ppl's stories that I've realised to what extent the damage of a CULT is on a large chunk of society of innocent ppl who just wanted to love Jesus....Oh it's so sad!

Glad-to be out Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #5
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 3:02 AMCopy HTML

Hi MissIndependant,

It is only when things have reached the lowest point that we can begin to repair the damage. A building has to be torn down to its foundations to be made strong and secure again.

Unfortunately for us, our foundations were faulty as well, and this is what causes so much anguish and confusion.

My children were in your position when we left and that is another type of guilt that I carry with me still, because they had no choice whether they joined or not, but were born into the GRC cult.

We lost everything and everyone, but we did have each other and two other people in our lives.

The thing for you to do now is to read, read, read. Gain as much knowledge as you can about spirirtual abuse and mind control. Believe it or not, but we were subjected to that for years. It is only when you understand the techniques used that you can begin to slowly untangle the web that tightly binds your mind and soul. 

Their are others (unfortunately many) who were abused as you were as well and it seems that the wall of silence that surrounds the various cults helps to protect the abuser.

So for now it is "baby-steps".

You can rebuild your life and it sounds as if you are ready to confront and move on.

Look in the recommended reading section on the forum, you will find a lot of titles that will help you to understand and to deal with the stage that you find yourself at now.

It IS sad. It is tragic how people who were seeking a special relationship with God instead, found that they had a special relationship with men who were bereft of compassion and humanity.
All of these men are ignorant as to God's Grace and the majority are just plain ignorant, but I believe the leaders are well aware of the methods employed and the effect that it will have on the follower. It is after all a tried and true formula that has been used in all manner of abusive, terrible circumstances for centuries.  

As I said before, freedom comes at a price in almost every situation. Those of us on the forum who still have Faith, can thank God that we are free now, to live life and to worship according to God's Will,  not as we were dictated to do so by some moron.

One of the hardest things to come to grips with, is the fact that it wasn't ONLY you, it happened to many and still is happening. We all experience the same feelings, only the degree differs.

The thing to remember is that even though you are one of many, YOU are individual and special. YOU matter, and probably to more people than you will ever realise.

Life is what we choose to make it. On the forum we are all survivors AND we all care about one another.

Cheers,

Glad   

"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #6
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 3:26 AMCopy HTML

Thank you for such heartfelt and helpful words...
It means alot to me.
One thing I am happy about now in my life is that 'I know that I know' that I have God and no longer have that guilt and fear hanging over my head. 
It is wonderful to live a free life now and make my own choices even if things are somewhat harder than they possibly would have been without the influence and brain washing of a cult.
Glad.... It has been lovely to share with you.
Sea Urchin Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #7
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 4:07 AMCopy HTML

Hi Miss Indy,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with us here.
As Glad said (God bless her cotton socks), you are one of many but that doesn't make you any less special or loved, and not only by all of us here but by the creator of the universe - He loves you with an awesome love that we cannot even begin to comprehend!  So many people that have been hurt by these groups end up blaming God and turning away from him, but it was never Him who did the hurting. He has always loved us and will always love us no matter what we do or have done in the past. He may not always LIKE what we do, but He loves US with a never-ending love!!  That, in itself, is a very liberating and wonderful thought to hold on to.

God bless you and may you find contentment and happiness on your journey

Urchin x x

Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths.
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #8
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 4:45 AMCopy HTML

Oh thank you so very much Urchin...
I really did struggle for many many years feeling unloved.  I thought I was soooo unlovable and didn't deserve it either.  I finally do now but it's taken a long time to get here.  I have found a self admiration and my self esteem is renewed but only through the tangible love I've felt from God.  I have had some amazing touches from Him (after RCI days) and despite my life not always being perfect, I know that God is there with me.  I go to a church occasionally but pretty much I believe Christianity is based on your personal relationship with him and not how often you attend a church service.  Alot of that is just to portray a certain level of spirituality that is expected from the fellow church members.  Too many ppl are trying to proove something to each other instead of focusing on Jesus. 

Thanks again Urchin for your support
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #9
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 4:47 AMCopy HTML

Ps... Urchin... I like the nick name you gave me "Miss Indy" ... heheh Miss Indy's are the beautiful winners in a beauty pagent... lol
Never too Late Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #10
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 5:14 AMCopy HTML

Hi Miss Independant,

I'm ex GRC - been out for a year or so. So in the eyes of the 'WORLD' I am a 'babe'.

I am sure I speak for everyone Welcome and use this forum for the Good that it is!!

So many stories and some many real people that really care.  We all still have our scars and fears but feed off each others warmth.

Many have lost family and friends over the course of being involved in the man Made churches. I myself lost my wife and kid -

Enjoy and look forward to hearing more about you and perhaps you can benefit from the forum like so many have.
Sea Urchin Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #11
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 5:46 AMCopy HTML

I'm glad you like your new nickname and I'm gonna keep calling you Miss Indy - cos you ARE beautiful and you ARE a winner!

You're quite right, Christianity is not based on how often you attend church but on your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm not ashamed to say (to whoever wants to listen) that I am totally and utterly in love with Jesus.

It's quite bizarre really cos in my RF days (left 16 months ago) I didn't even realise that one could have such a  relationship and that was after 24 years there!!  The pastors there didn't really lead us to Jesus or enthuse or equip us to want to know more about Him. Maybe cos they didn't really know Him themselves? There's a saying in the church I go to now, "to know God is to show God" or another way of putting it is, "the God you know is the God you show".  It seems as though the 'rev groups' only know a God of fear, judgement and control so that is how they show God to be (by their fruits)  but I have since come to know a God of love, mercy, grace and compassion and that is the God I want others to see and come to know as well.

God bless, Urch
Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths.
Didaktikon Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #12
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 10:40 AMCopy HTML

Hi, MI.

I learnt about them at Bible College 12 yrs ago and there was a mention of the RCI even then, but it's only reading ppl's stories that I've realised to what extent the damage of a CULT is on a large chunk of society of innocent ppl who just wanted to love Jesus....Oh it's so sad!

Okay, you've certainly piqued my interest! Wink Which Bible College did you attend 12 years ago, and given that you apparently attended such an institution, why has it taken 12 years for the "penny to drop" for you on this issue? Ummm. It wasn't a Pente college, was it?
Undecided

Blessings,

Ian

email: didaktikon@gmail.com
MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #13
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 12:46 PMCopy HTML

Hi Ian....
Thanks for your thoughts....

It isn't that I didn't realise till now that I was in a Cult... I'm not that ignorant.  I obviously didn't explain myself well enough.  I have known it was a cult. I just suppose the reality of the true extent of it has hit me.  It is easy to know something in a general sense (like RCI being a cult as such) and like I said, I thought I was probably just an unlucky case and in one of the worst fellowships in Aust.  Other ppl I know from the RCI who've left haven't seemed to have had such a bad experience (unless they too have decided to brush it aside) so I didn't really know how many ppl out there have suffered so terribly until this forum.  I suppose that the true meaning of what a 'cult' really is has been what I'm learning now.  That's just through lack of knowledge on the subject.  I've actually referred to my upbringing as being from a 'cult' many times over the years.

I suppose too that in some ways I thought at Bible college that perhaps they were just exaggerating when putting RCI in the same category as the Mormans etc.  The cults they mentioned were off the planet with very weird teachings of aliens etc.  Till then alot of what I knew doctrinally and as a Christian, I thought was normal regardless of whether I agreed or not.  Who was I to question what was preached even if I did disagree and frankly we weren't taught to think for ourselves anyway.    I didn't know certain things were 'cultish' as I had no other teaching to compare to.  I just thought they were a bit screwed up and too strict.  Remember I was only very young and naive at that stage when I started College, had only been out of RCI for about a year then too. 

In College I was so consumed back then on experiencing God for the first time in my life and finding out about the basics of love, mercy, forgiveness and grace etc.  All of the things other Christians know from the start.  All of these things were so exciting to me.  I finally discovered that there was more beyond speaking in tongues, (I was eleven yrs old when I received).  I was learning that we had 'gifts' and learning that I personally could have a place of importance in God's plan and that somehow I could possible make a difference even though I was a female too!  How wonderful it was at that time in my life.  It was like I was a new Christian.  So focusing on the negatives of my past church was the least of my worries and it just all got pushed aside as I began my new journey as a 'normal' christian.  I had many other things that concerned me and many hurts from the molestation I'd suffered and also being rapped and I didn't directly connect those things with the RCI at the time.  I just unintentionally turned my back on the RCI and didn't relate those days to my present life.  'Move on' so to speak and not dwell on the past.   For a while now though I've known fully that those things I suffered and other things like my mindsets etc was totally a result of being part of that church and the fact that it was a cult and that all the bad things that took place were due to an evil hold of lust that was on the church..... Reading stories on this forum is definately confirming what I already knew in my heart but maybe didn't understand totally.

Anyway I hope that explains it... hehe ... sometimes it's hard to get it across properly because the whole thing is really quite complicated. 

The Bible College I went to was at Hillsong/ sydney.  It was a wonderful time for me and the foundation of my new Christianity.  I loved what I learnt there however I am certainly over any teachings from there or any other church for that matter that preach 'serve', 'serve', 'serve' and 'ministry', 'ministry', 'ministry'.   There are too many Christians striving to achieve a position or recognition in some way or other and that tends to put focus back on oneself and one's church rather than on your personal relationship with Jesus.  I have been in ministry and positions many times but I would rather not have man's pressure on me so I just now focus on getting myself through life and learning and growing as much as I can personally and to be a good mum.  From time to time I know God uses me in different ways and it's awesome when he does.  It's through him and not through my doing.  I just continue to try to accept ppl and genuinely love those in my life and to forgive.  This is a light shining in the world despite all the mess I've been through.  Not many ppl when meeting me would ever suspect what I've been through.  It's not like I'm a walking disaster heheh.... 

Forgiveness keeps ppl from being bitter and twisted.  I'm certainly not a bitter ex Revivalist.  More in shock right now than anything else because some ppl's stories are so sad. 

Actually I read your's and Drew's Intro's on your site last night and they were both lovely.  Your heart to show ppl the truth is wonderful and I really think many ppl have benefitted emensely from your teachings. 
It's fantastic and I never even knew about it all this time...

Thanks


MissIndependant Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #14
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 1:10 PMCopy HTML

Hello  Never too Late...
Thanks and have you got a story on this forum?
I think I may have read about it already.
It's aweful for anyone to loose their family.  I was lucky to not loose my immediate but it definately ruined relationships with extended family.  Nearly all my relatives were in the RCI at one time or other and most have left except a couple.  But it did damage the family in general.  It causes rifts, judgements and hurts that are completely unnecessary.

I know you can never cover up the hurt that you've suffered but I hope you find a wonderful woman who will love you more than you've ever experienced before.

Miss Indy

Didaktikon Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #15
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:10/04/2008 9:53 PMCopy HTML

Hi, MI.

The Bible College I went to was at Hillsong/ sydney.

Aaahhh ... that would certainly explain why! Undecided

Anyway, I hope you find the information that's contained within the posts of this site to be useful in helping you to sort some "wheat" from "chaff", metaphorically-speaking. It helps to read with both an open and enquiring mind Wink

Blessings,

Ian

email: didaktikon@gmail.com
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:11/04/2008 7:19 AMCopy HTML

 Hi there miss Indypendant, and welcome.

glad you can join our family here on the forum. I hope you find this a safe place to enquire and meet people to move on with your journey.

Over all most on here are her to help you in this in many and variouse ways.

So God Bless and look forward to see you around the forum

earth5
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Re:Fear and guilt no longer hang from my head

Date Posted:13/04/2008 3:15 AMCopy HTML

Hi E5
Thanks.  I hope this forum is ok (safe) too.  I've read around most of the posted stories and there are a few negative and tactless ppl making comments.  I think this would definately turn away some ppl from sharing, especially when that's what we've come from and have been hurt by already.  It just doesn't make sence why ppl would be like that on this forum.  It makes me wonder why they are on here if they only want to be trouble makers and not contribute in a positive and loving way. 
Oh well...
Thanks so much for welcoming me and hopefully I will be able to be one of the 'stayers'. 
Miss Indy
RCI prophesies
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