Forum for ex-members of Revival Churches
Revival_Centres_Discussion_Forums > The Back Room - Come in for SUPPER > The Funny Pages - Jokes, Games, Weirdities, and oddities Go to subcategory:
Author Content
Biblianut
  • Rank:Regular Rookier
  • Score:5380
  • Posts:218
  • From:Australia
  • Register:30/11/2010 9:39 PM

Date Posted:04/01/2011 10:06 PMCopy HTML

> Subject: A year of reflection on the wonders of email

> 

> 

> 

>> 2010 nears the end, I want to thank all of you for your educational

>> e-mails

>> over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of

>> recovery.

>> 

>> I no longer open any bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have

>> the

>> waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the

>> bacteria on the lemon peel.

>> 

>> I can't sit on beds in hotels because I can only imagine what has

>> happened

>> on it since it was last washed...

>> 

>> I have trouble shaking hands with anyone who has been driving because the

>> number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

>> 

>> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine

>> how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

>> 

>> I can't touch any friend's handbag for fear she may have put it down it

>> on

>> the floor in a public toilet.

>> 

>> I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in

>> the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every

>> envelope I address.

>> 

>> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

>> reason..

>> 

>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to some sick kid, who is

>> about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

>> 

>> I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the

>> $15,000

>> that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in

>> their

>> special e-mail program.

>> 

>> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

>> for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

>> 

>> I can't have a drink in a pub because I'll wake up in a bath full of ice

>> with my kidneys gone.

>> 

>> I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

>> freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

>> 

>> I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

>> buffalo on a hot day.

>> 

>> THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

>> forward

>> an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

>> 

>> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

>> remove

>> toilet stains.

>> 

>> I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a

>> serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

>> 

>> 

>> I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven

>> different

>> types of cancer.

>> 

>> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the

>> microwave

>> anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

>> 

>> I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle

>> infected with AIDS when I sit down.

>> 

>> I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a

>> perfume sample and rob me.

>> 

>> And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

>> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,

>> Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

>> 

>> I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe

>> anyway...

>> 

>> THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black

>> snake

>> could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites

>> my

>> backside.

>> 

>> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped

>> in a

>> car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting

>> to

>> grab me as I bend over.

>> 

>> 

>> I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the White

>> Tail Spider and my hand will fall off.

>> 

>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

>> minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.

>> tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,

>> causing you to grow a huge hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

>> actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's

>> ex-mother-in-law's

>> second husband's cousin's best friend's hairdresser . .

>> 

>> Oh, by the way......

>> 

>> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered

>> that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their

>> hand on the mouse.

>> 

>> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

>> 

>> P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the lounge room, because I was told by

>> e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

>> 

>> NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY......AND A HEALTHY

>> LIFE......MWAH HAH HAH HAH.....

>> 

>> 

>> 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen; not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. C.S.Lewis.
Ex_Member Share to: Facebook Twitter MSN linkedin google yahoo #1
  • Rank:
  • Score:0
  • Posts:0
  • From:Unknown
  • Register:21/09/2018 12:36 AM

Re:A year of reflection on the wonders of email

Date Posted:05/01/2011 5:55 PMCopy HTML

Biblianut - you forgot to mention the need to completely avoid the loo paper in public toilets because, along with your friends handbag, this has also probably been left lying on the toilet floor by negligent cleaners. I always take my own to avoid the stress induced by such incidents.

And, have you checked your bed for bedbugs? I don't mean the mites you can't see, but the black, blood-sucking things you can when they bite you in the night.

Why has God done this to us???? Ha ha ha.

And that says nothing about what actually goes in those restaurants or fast food outlets you visit...do those students ever wash their hands?

What about touching money, coins? There's more bacteria on those than on a toilet.

I could go on but don't want to induce any more stress.

Just be careful, next time you check your emails, that you've cleaned your computer keys...and don't forget your doorhandles...
RCI prophesies
Copyright © 2000-2019 Aimoo Free Forum All rights reserved.