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| Title: JOKES...ENJOY! | |
| Revival_Centres_Discussion_Forums > The Back Room - Come in for SUPPER > The Funny Pages - Jokes, Games, Weirdities, and oddities | Go to subcategory： |
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mf doom
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Date Posted：25/06/2005 6:30 PMCopy HTML Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard
throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in
one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Did you know that it is not right for the woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the
Bible: "Hebrews."
if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#1
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：25/06/2005 6:30 PMCopy HTML Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. Did you know that it is not right for the woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible: "Hebrews." if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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exReadBiblist
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#2
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：26/06/2005 10:49 PMCopy HTML
Can't resist. Here's another: Q. Who was the first Amway Rep in the Bible? A. Queen Esther. She invited someone around for dinner without telling them the real reason why. I rather think that most pastors at the RCI remind me of baby Moses in the river. Everytime they open their mouths, the bull rushes.
exReadBiblist
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MothandRust
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#3
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：26/09/2005 8:39 PMCopy HTML Another non-serious post
Tonights Simpsons was hilarious. Some may call it a bash at Catholics but I think it was pretty well done and poked fun at all organised religion beautifully, here are some quotes: (Marge on Mass, with the sinning and the kneeling and the standing and sitting): Like Simon Says without a winner! Sign outside the church: He suffered for our sins... now it's your turn. Bart: Stop fighting. It's all Christianity. The little stupid differences are nothing compared to the big stupid similarities. I thought when Marge bursts into the class to "rescue" Bart and Bart says "Mom, this is the Catholic Church women got no power here." was really laugh out loud funny. Reverend Lovejoy says the one True Faith is the Western Branch of Polypresbylutheranism. 8^) Instagram and Twitter: @mothpete
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mf doom
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#4
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：12/11/2005 7:58 AMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#5
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：13/12/2005 8:25 AMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#6
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：22/01/2006 8:23 AMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#7
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：22/01/2006 8:27 AMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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outaegypt
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#8
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：07/10/2006 11:21 PMCopy HTML Subject: Limo Driver
After getting all Pope John Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly the driver gets in theback as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief", he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," says the cop. "All the more reason." "No, I mean really important," says the cop. "Whad'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger" "Govenor?" "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" "I think it's God!" "What makes you think its God?" "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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Psalms 133
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#9
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：22/11/2006 8:15 PMCopy HTML
Psalms 133,1
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outaegypt
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#10
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:11 PMCopy HTML THE CHRISTMAS LETTER There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." It read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it. This was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read : "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing, which I think must have been stolen by those thieving scoundrels at the Post Office. As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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outaegypt
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#11
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:15 PMCopy HTML Why GOD Created Children WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said was, "DON'T! " "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!" "No way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you - In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND, "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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outaegypt
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#12
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:16 PMCopy HTML Mental Hospital Hotline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. - If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. - If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. - If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. - If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. - If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. - If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. - If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. - If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. - If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. - If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. - If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. - If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. - If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. - If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. - If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. - If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up." ? As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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outaegypt
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#13
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:17 PMCopy HTML A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.??? "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot " The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong! As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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outaegypt
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#14
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:19 PMCopy HTML TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the abode, Only one creature was stirring, She was cleaning the commode, The Children were finally sleeping, All snug in their beds, With visions of X box & Barbie, Flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring, In front of the TV, With a half constructed bicycle Propped on his Knee. So only the Mum, Heard the reindeer hooves clatter, Which made her sigh "Now what is the matter?" With the toilet bowl brush Still clutched in her hand, She climbed down the stairs And saw the old man. He was covered in soot Which feel on the rug, "Oh great" muttered the mum "Now I have to clean the rug" "HO HO HO" cried Santa "I'm glad you're awake, Your gift was especially Difficult to make." "Thanks Santa, but I just want some time alone" "Exactly" he chuckled "I've made you a clone" "A clone" the mum said "What good is that? Run along Santa I've no time to chat." Then out walked the clone The mum's exact twin, Same hair and eyes And same double chin "She'll cook, she'll dust, She'll mop up every mess You relax, take it easy Watch The Young and The Restless" "Fantastic" the mum cheered "My dream has come true I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep the night through." From a room up above The youngest did fret "Mummy come quickly I'm scared and I'm wet." The clone replied "I'm coming sweetheart" "Hey" the mum smiled "She sure knows her part." The clone changed the small one And hummed her a tune, As she bundled the child In a blanket cocoon "You're the best mummy ever I really love you" The clone smiled and sighed "And I love you too" The mum frowned and said "Sorry Santa no deal That's my child's love She is trying to steal" Smiling wisely, Santa said "To me it is clear Only one loving mother Is needed here." The mum kissed her child And trucked her in bed "Thank you Santa, For clearing my head" I sometimes forget It won't be very long. Till they'll be to old for me To cradle and song" The clock on the mantle Began to chime Santa whispered to the clone "It works every time" With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight, Merry Christmas dear mum You will be all right." As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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outaegypt
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#15
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：18/12/2006 8:21 PMCopy HTML Subject: Dear Napisan. LOL Dear Napisan I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! Ive used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse . My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad bag people... Signed, A Relieved Menopausal Wife Yeah, just made 50 posts!!!!! As I hear it, I'll repeat it,
Its up to you if you believe it!
Allegation big and small,
soon revealed before us all.
outa here- Outa Egypt!
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mf doom
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#16
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：21/12/2006 5:20 AMCopy HTML A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#17
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：21/12/2006 5:33 AMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#18
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：28/04/2007 11:00 PMCopy HTML if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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MothandRust
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#19
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：28/04/2007 11:21 PMCopy HTML
ohhhhhhhh that was fantastic. that's one for the blog! thanks! Instagram and Twitter: @mothpete
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bindi
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#20
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：23/05/2007 12:37 PMCopy HTML Came across this site... these were actual notices pinned to the bulletin boards of some churches. Thought they were quite funny!
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours." Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Potluck supper Thursday night-prayer and medication to follow. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. ???? " IF I COULD WISH FOR MY LIFE TO BE PERFECT, IT WOULD BE TEMPTING BUT I WOULD HAVE TO DECLINE, FOR LIFE WOULD NO LONGER TEACH ME ANYTHING."
Allyson Jones |
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bindi
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#21
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：23/05/2007 12:47 PMCopy HTML
Things to Do to Not Get Invited Back to Church 1. During Communion, when handed the wafers, 2. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, 3. Make change from the collection plate. 4. During the sermon, add sound effects ie 5. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Lovechild". 6. Ask if you can have your body tattoos blessed. 7. While the rest of the congregation is singing 8. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard. 9. On the high note of Amazing Grace, vomit. 10. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition. 11. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud. 12. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap) 13. Tarot readings during Sunday School. 14. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside. 15. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!" 16. Bring pets. 17. Try to sell popcorn in the aisles. 18. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball and a lighter. 19. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times) 20. Bring your own incense. 21. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion. 22. Attend services in drag. 23. Keep asking, "When do the goats get sacrificed?" 24. Two words: Super Soaker. " IF I COULD WISH FOR MY LIFE TO BE PERFECT, IT WOULD BE TEMPTING BUT I WOULD HAVE TO DECLINE, FOR LIFE WOULD NO LONGER TEACH ME ANYTHING."
Allyson Jones |
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dogmafree
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#22
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：23/05/2007 4:35 PMCopy HTML I'd like to see THAT!
"for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Shakespeare (Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2)
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mf doom
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#23
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：25/05/2007 10:31 AMCopy HTML Family Guy vs Christianity
if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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mf doom
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#24
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Re：JOKES...ENJOY! Date Posted：31/05/2007 11:36 PMCopy HTML  if it gives you joy, enjoy! life aint pretty without it
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?From Church Bulletins ?/FONT> 
